Midday Moon
by Sparxxx07
Summary: What does Jasper REALLY do when he's alone hunting! im bad at descriptions haha : oneshot/spoof


**Midday Moon**

**A/N: Ok well this is my veryyy first story...yes there are mistakes and inaccurate information. but this was a biggg joke between me and my friends and i wrote the story for mine and their entertainment and hopefully yours...enjoy! **

Jasper Cullen was in the woods alone, again. He hated hunting alone as much as anyone else did. But since his luck was almost as bad a Bella's, nobody wanted to go with him.

"Dammit all, why does Alice have to pissed at me the day we have to hunt? I swear to god, I think she and Emmett are having an affair" Jasper said to himself. Just then, he heard a rustle in the bushes. "Oh fuck. SWIPER NO SWIPING! SWIPER NO SWIPING! SWIPER NO SWIPINGGG!" then, a fox in a bandit mask jumps out of the bushes.

"OH MANNNN!" the fox shouted. Jasper had found his meal and began chasing after the mentally retarded fox. Jasper picked up speed, running faster than ever and closed in for the kill. Jasper tackled the fox, killed it, and drank its blood. You know, the usual. So jasper continued on his way, the dumb fox clearly not satisfying him [wink wink]. He walked straight to a fork in the trail. With a sign in the middle attached to a giant fork.

"Wow, that's unusual." he thought. He read the sign carefully debating his options. To the left, he can go to chipmunk world, and to the right, he could go to Candy Mountain. "Well, I already know what's at chipmunk world." He sighed rubbing his right arm. He pulled the sleeve up, seeing if the teeth marks had healed yet. They hadn't. "Candy mountain it is then." He took the right turn down the path to Candy mountain. But he clearly didn't see the sign underneath the candy mountain sign, and now he's on the path of DOOM!!! MWAH HAHAHAHAHAHA!! *cough cough* sorry got a little carried away there. Anyways, on with the story.

Jasper was walking down the path, searching for the perfect meal. "What is on Candy Mountain anyway?" he wondered. He approached the base of the mountain, as he looked toward the top, he felt something hard [wink wink Samantha] hit the back of his head. After that, It went black. When Jasper woke up, he found himself next to a bunch of…unicorns?!?!?!

"WHAT THE FUCK!? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE?!?!?!"

"MMMMMM. I like it when you vampires are feisty. It makes me hottttt!" the purple unicorn exclaimed.

"OH SHIT! I'M GOING TO GET RAPED BY GAY UNICORNS!!!!!!" Jasper cried.

"Mmmmm I like your man boobies, but most of all I like your BUG EYES!!!" "the blue one said. Jasper curled into the fetal position in fear. Vampires didn't fear anything, especially not these fucked up gay unicorns. But jasper was afraid, for he was……HOMOPHOBIC!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Jasper screamed as the demented unicorns closed in on him "EMMETT HELP ME!!!! RAPE!!!!!!! R-A-P-E STOP DON'T TOUCH ME! WAHHHHH!"

"Shut up you sexy vampire you!" the purple one said.

After about 30 minutes of very explicit things that I am not going to type, Emmett came to the rescue.

"DIE YOU STUPID FUCKERS!" Emmett roared. After a brutal and bloody battle with the unicorns, Emmett scooped up his brother and sprinted away."Damn they really fucked you up Jas. You look like Bella after she went to Isle Esme with Edward! But anyways, let's get you home to Carlisle, he'll fix you up." Emmett picked up speed as they made their way back to the Cullen mansion. When they got inside, Emmett called out to the Head of the family, Dr. Carlisle Cullen. "CARLISLE! I NEED ASSISTANCE STAT!!!" Carlisle was in the room about as quickly as Emmett had requested his help.

"what happened this time Emmett'?"

"Jasper was raped by unicorns."

"Again?!?!? That's the 10th time this week!!"

"Thanks for reminding me, Carlisle." Just then their Oldest [by the amount of years being transformed] brother, Edward came flying down the stairs.

"ahahahahahhahaha! Bug eyes got raped…AGAIN!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP EDWARD!" Jasper snapped and the winced in pain. "Damn this is taking FOREVER to heal" he thought.

"that's cuz you're a whimp Jasper." Edward sneered.  
"GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD EDWARD!"

"hahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahah!"

"EDWARD, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

"Not if an STD kills you first!"

"I'M IMMORTAL DUMBASS!"

"hahahahhahahaha! It's so funny how you overreact about everything!!" then, Alice came in, with Bella holding Renesmee in the back with Rosalie.

"Oh My baby Jaspy! What happened to you?!?!?" Alice cried.

"he got Raped…by unicorns." Emmett explained. Edward busted out laughing again.

"awh man! Not again! That's the 10th time this week!! "

"thank you, Alice"

"no problem" Alice grinned. Bella whispered something to Edward. And Edward cracked up and told Emmett he laughed even harder and he told Rosalie. She snickered. Jasper was puzzled. He wondered what Bella had said.

"what are y'all talking about?"Jasper said. He knew that if they were lying, he could change their moods into something more easygoing so that they would give it away more quickly.

"nothing that you want to know."

"oh really? Well that's ok….*sniffle* I just thought that I was a part of this coven too. And well, I just wanted to know what the joke is considering I just got scarred for life!" Bella rolled her eyes, knowing the old fake sadness and innocence trick, for he knew that she used it many times on Edward to make him take her on "vacation" and most of the time, it actually worked.

"Well, if you MUST know, I was thinking that maybe YOU raped the unicorns, not the other way around. I mean really, you're always bored and stuff and you always liked attention, so maybe you manipulated their feelings so much it changed their "orientation", if you know what I mean, and made them…well…incredibly gay!"Bella said. Just then Emmett started laughing so hard that he was rolling on the floor, and Edward had his face buried in his hands, trying not to die laughing[pun intended].

"hahahaha! You know its true Jasper!" Emmett said. Jasper groaned, regretting asking for the truth.  
"mommy! You're funny! But what is being gay and what is rape?" Renesmee commented. Edward and Bella looked at each other, horrified about the fact that they said all that stuff, ignoring that nessie was there.

"ummmm. Rape is another word for hunting. And ummm gay is the prey that is hunted." Emmett said. He smiled really big at the fact that he was a quick thinker.

"So uncle Emmett, We both rape things all the time! And I guess you're gay with bears?" Edward, Bella, Rosalie, and Jasper all started laughing.

"smooth one there, Emmett." Jasper said

"Shut up jasper" Emmett growled.

"No, Renesmee, that is NOT what it means. Your father will explain it later."

"Why me? Why not you? You were the one who thought of it in the first place!"

"I was kidding."

"I knew that"

"No, you didn't. Anyways, Renesmee, we'll tell you when you get older" Bella would give her a month. And then Edward would explain it. Jasper looked out the window and sighed. Sure Bella's thoughts were evil. But Emmett's "smart thinking" was beyond classic. And he thought that he and Rosalie were the blondes in the family! "How are you feeling Japer?"

"Much better, I think that I can think clearly again." Jasper confessed

"Excellent. I guess we can go now." Bella said.

Later that night, Jasper snuck into the woods, his mind cleared of any thoughts in case that Edward was eavesdropping. He wound through the many trees. He then came to a valley. He waited in the middle of the clearing. The bushes rustled on the outskirts. Two unicorns, one purple and one blue, treaded through the tall grass. The purple one had gauze over his horn.

"Hey Alex, Samuel" Jasper said. "How's the horn, Samuel? I apologize, my foreplay got a little too loud."

"s'okay"

"Great, so are you two ready to go again?"

"Hell yeah!"

"Good. " Jasper took off his trench coat revealing a bondage costume. The unicorns started to change into theirs. "The safety word is Nessie."

**DISCLAIMER!**

**I DON'T OWN ANYTHING THAT IS RELATED TO TWILIGHT OR CHARLIE THE UNICORN OR DORA THE EXPLORER!**

**Next time: Bella and Edward go searching for jasper who was "kidnapped" by the unicorns. Will they rescue him, or discover his dirty little secret? SPECIAL GUEST STAR: DORA'S MAP!**


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